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It's time to dust off the cobwebs on this blog and claim back the midnight thoughts I got started on a few years ago. If anyone has been reading for awhile, you'll notice that I've been on quite a journey. Every time I feel like I'm moving forward, life puts me back a few more steps. I will use this as a memory of how I built my resilience. 
Where do I begin? Should start with my cathartic ugly crying episodes or should I try explain why my social media has been singular as of late? Geez, when I read my earlier post about my self-work, there's no way I would have foreseen the tsunami of events that would happen over the course of these few months and completely change me. 

First of all, the global pandemic happened and a bunch of planets went into retrograde. Travel, movement, social interaction were all practically illegal. 2020 was starting to take a page out of a dystopian novel. This setback certainly put a damper on so many plans. There were only a few options to come out of this - sink, survive or thrive. Businesses built over the past decade, wiped out over a couple months would mean I'd hear about the loss of jobs, governments around the world scrambling to keep everyone afloat. Seriously, shit hit the fan. 

MY WORLD CRASHES
I was really in a weird place when all of it happened. I came back from my retreat in Bali filled with love and acceptance, so I was on a high. The high dropped fast. I was coming to terms with all my work being cancelled one after another. This was really scary. Whatever I thought I'd be able to recoup from covering a big trip was now not possible. 

In my personal life, I felt dependent on my partner and felt guilty for it. On one hand, I wanted him to give me a sense of security without reminding me that he was and yet I would spite him if he made an issue of it. I could start to feel things start to unravel within me and I was desperately trying to hold it together, showing my brave face, sweeping feelings under the rug and hoping no one would notice.  
Unconsciously, I was hiding behind my feelings. I was hiding behind trying to sustain what I thought was supposed to be fine. I was getting lost in the everyday things so I didn't have to deal with the painful issues lurking underneath.  

I came at a crossroads with my partner, with one wanting to head in one direction, and the other wanting to stay on the same course without having any additional moving parts. We both knew this misalignment would inevitably mean we would have to go separate ways. Coming to terms with this was probably the hardest because I was trying so hard to keep everything else in my life afloat, I didn't need to deal with another challenge in my life, let alone amidst a pandemic.  

Being so public about my happiness was an investment people had made (albeit on social media), but by this time I was less worried about what other people thought, and more about how I felt. For the longest time I took pride in marching to the beat of my own drum, but for some reason in this relationship, I made it his drum, his call and his rules. I interpreted compromise to be an extension of his narrative, in our fights, he'd tell me repeatedly that I was unappreciative and selfish - I didn't get it, I would feel so confused. I would find myself saying thank you all the time, more often than not so he wouldn't think of me as selfish. I had never been in a relationship where I felt so low of myself, maybe this was the mirror being reflected, after all I believed every word he said. I just became totally selfless at the cost of my own happiness. (HORRIBLE DECISION) 
A BITTER END
We navigated uncoupling fairly positively. I didn't spite him or say anything bad, why would I? There was so much love behind our decision. Some friends were so beautifully protective over me and it made me feel safe. They shielded me from negativity, tried their best to be supportive and extended kindness during this time but I knew the only person who would be able to make this better was me, so I hid and tried to better my situation on my own, quietly. In fact, I was able to do so because I was already sitting through 20+ workshops on personal development /mindset/relationships on Supparetreat and all of them emphasising self-reflection and inner work. I was pretty much attending therapy 2-3 times a week. My mindset was in a great place and I had never felt better.

After a month of being in a place of positivity, love and growth, I was tested again with my insecurities peeking through. Suddenly, a surge of all the bad memories in the duration our relationship came to surface. The more I thought about them, the more I started to feel shortchanged, and the more I started to resent him -BIG TIME, I thought about all the times I didn't feel safe and the times I felt like he wasn't in my corner. My perception of his loyalty disintegrated as my thoughts started to swell with anger. These tiny cracks were becoming more apparent and our time apart saw more betrayal. I couldn't get past this wall and I exploded my thoughts on him. My pain was overflowing and I was making him responsible for it, it was unfair. My pain was met with his anger. (He wanted to preserve our good memories, why could I only offer bad ones?)

Ummm... so it obviously wasn't well received.

It just got worse and worse. Not only was I dealing with resentment, I also felt so helpless. It was as though someone smashed an uncontrollable bursting pipe and the spray just got on every single damn thing, ruining everything. 

Needless to say, after a couple of days of processing our conversation, I apologized to him for emotionally dumping and then separately spiralled deeper into my self-loathing and guilt. I hid and got into a really dark place. Even more insecurities started to rear its ugly head, more shame and more guilt came about. I got caught in my own narrative and the stories I believe to be true. I knew putting the blame on someone wasn't going to change my situation. So I made a conscious decision that I needed to take more accountability of all the things I did while I was in the relationship and I took time to ask myself why I felt compelled to do them. Digging that deep while feeling incredibly alone was tough work. 
IT GETS WORSE
Separately, my business partner E and I had been bickering about little things. What would seem as harmless stuff escalated into sharp and offensive attacks, both of us notice we were charged with so much emotion after every interaction/altercation with each other. There was resentment starting to build and it became a toxic, calculative environment where we both started to keep score of our good deeds. (If any of you know us, we're the antithesis of that) Our issues were permeating past our personal relationships and in our respective companies, this wasn't good. After many failed attempts at trying to sort it amongst ourselves, we sought out mediation to get to the bottom of it.

Hannah, one of my talents and a relationship coach, agreed to sit with us to hash out our issues. She underlined one of my wounds regarding safety and the need for control in an unstable environment. I had a tendency of building walls to protect myself. Uncovering this gave me a hint of the common thread running through my relationships, especially those which were falling apart. Thankfully, my business partner and I hugged it out and were committed to connect again with more clarity and less assumptions. I felt seen and heard. 

Later that night, I tried an inner child guided meditation. A memory of little 6-year old Sarah witnesses a family argument unfold. She feels helpless and she's trying so desperately to make everyone okay, she sees how upset they are and it feels painful to watch. She thinks if everyone is happy, then she'll be happy. The memory feels heavy and adult Sarah just wants to withdraw. 10 minutes in, the voice in this meditation tells the adult Sarah to do the complete opposite: comfort my inner child, I do just that, I empathise with her and I tell her that its ok to be scared and that I would be there for her. As I'm reparenting my inner child, I'm a complete wreck, crying out and releasing all this emotion that has been held for so long. I cry myself to sleep and feel a deep pain slowly vanish. 
IT GETS BETTER
All this Enneagram-Type 8 stuff makes even more sense now. I've been afraid of having big feelings because I was always afraid of the consequences. With all the changes and moving I did when I was younger from country to country, city to city, I dared not burden anyone with my feelings. Poor immigrant parents have so much to deal with and a silent pressure exists within you as you feel responsible to ease the burdens of your family. I started working once I turned 16, I aimed for good grades, anything that would help. Feelings don't contribute or help with paying the bills, it was inconsequential. When confronting situations, it was easier to use my logical and rationale to take over. Hiding myself and hiding my feelings became synonymous with my pain. I was used to ploughing through circumstances and difficulties, weathering the storm and problem solving through logic and decisive decision making, you don't need feelings for that. 

My worth was so dependent on others around me and the trajectory of my career became even more apparent. I craved approval and adoration from others to have any semblance of feeling whole - celebrity life. I sought out relationships to feel loved even though I wasn't truly committed to loving myself, so these relationships would always fall short and it would never be enough for me. These were big findings and a key to the patterns in my relationships. 

I've been needing to sit with this a little longer, because all this hiding has costed me time and relationships. Hiding underneath my fear and pain created a wedge between me and everyone else. In my unhealthy levels, I have a tendency to withdraw, keep to myself and go quiet. My senses quickly weed out those who are loyal and those who aren't. I do these things as a result of being protective over my safety. 

Honestly, It sucks to feel like I'm starting over again. I wish I could take back the last 5 years and re-do my life with what I know now. But that's what journeys are all about, you can't take a step forward without living through its own story. Through these learnings, exercises, workshops, sessions and fucking adult shit, I have a lot more compassion for my parents and a lot more compassion for myself. I am determined to take steps to come out of hiding and make space for love so my wound doesn't pick my next chapter. 

Thanks for reading til the very end. 

**Update: I didn't really want to explain myself further since I've put my heart on the internet for all to bear witness, but in case you're here to KEPO about my breakup, I was in a very loving relationship, he loved me the way he knew how. My experience happened despite all the good times we had together. This entry explains how I was unable to love fully because of the lack of love I felt for myself. My experience is in no way an attempt to implicate him or dismantle our relationship. I have so much love for him to this day and will still love him for the rest of my life. 
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    Kita pakai baju kurung. ❤️ Kita pakai baju kurung. ❤️
    I was reminiscing looks for this upcoming CNY but I was reminiscing looks for this upcoming CNY but it’s cancelled this year. 😔 It’s definitely going to be an adjustment. How will you be celebrating reunion dinner? Virtually? #covidcny
    Learning this one for 2021. For anyone that rememb Learning this one for 2021. For anyone that remembers old pain, open your heart to new love. ❤️ #love
    Still not wearing pants. 😂😂 Wearing @jujumel Still not wearing pants. 😂😂
Wearing @jujumellointimates instead. 😊

Looks like the first 2 weeks of January has taken a turn for the worst in Malaysia. Our health system at it’s capacity. Greedy politicians trying to fight for power, so much so our King has been granted Emergency Powers until August. To be honest, all of this hasn’t quite hit me yet, I’ve had a slower start to the year but each step taken has been intentional, from the people I spend my time with to the people I want to work with. 

Life is still not a bed of roses but I don’t mind taking time to pluck the thorns out. I’m clearly still exploring parts of me that I’ve missed for awhile. I’ve had friends from my past telling me that the old Sarah is back again and I’m glad too! I’ve been having such lucid dreams and they’ve been giving me a clearer indication of what I need to work on. (Thank God for @therealashagill’s #DecodingDreams workshop) 

I’m trying to be more accepting of things I cannot change and learning from last year’s situation. If you can, help out a small business, everyone is trying to make a side hustle to make ends meet. We can always be kinder, more compassionate and more loving to those who have less than us. Everyone is fighting a battle that we cannot see. Don’t be so quick to judge.

#dudukrumah #kitajagakita
    Decided to push for a HIIT workout before Malaysia Decided to push for a HIIT workout before Malaysia got the news that we will be having another lockdown. We’re back to MCO status as of Wednesday and if you haven’t learnt from our first MCO, here’s your chance to learn from it again! 😂 This time I’ve got Dolly to look after. 
I don’t think I’ll be wearing pants for awhile either. What are you going to be doing differently this time around? #lockdown #thirdwave #coronavirus
    The impending work from home situation is making m The impending work from home situation is making me nervous. Imagine all the distractions that can happen with @arnu_de_villiers. Gotta stop thinking and just do. 😈

#hotmalemondays
    Sarah on a Sunday IRL. #bliss Sarah on a Sunday IRL. #bliss
    So happy for @eugeniecml and Adam to finally tie t So happy for @eugeniecml and Adam to finally tie the knot!! Congratulations to this happy couple. Huge milestones for the @suppagood / @suppagoodpr family with wedding season upon us!! ❤️❤️❤️ #suppafam
    It’s 2021. We should be able to live in a world It’s 2021. We should be able to live in a world where empowered women are not measured by how much or how little clothes they wear. Stop hiding behind the narrative of “protecting women”, instead teach men to be respectful. 

I share a conversation with a woman who wanted to impose her archaic viewpoint on me about how she avoids men degrading her. 

Not only was she dangerously victim blaming “bc I’m asking for it”, she was also age-shaming (apparently bikinis have an age limit 🤷🏻‍♀️) and telling me that my swimwear was not appropriate for the waterfall 🤔. But the worst part was her condescending tone towards me because I was unmarried and childless. I think I’ve done a lot of work on myself to be able to withstand this dialogue but if this conversation happened last year, I would have felt defeated and maybe even gone into a dark place (at the helm of society’s judgment).

The truth is, so many women have different reasons or situations for their path in life. Sometimes it’s by choice and sometimes it’s by fate, but it’s extremely dangerous to weaponise your status to look down on another woman. Undoubtedly she was provoked, hence her ad hominem attack, but it doesn’t make it ok. In fact, that conversation showed me how much she derived her worth from men and I felt sorry for her.

I’ve spent the past 2 years building a community to uplift women and this conversation was the most disappointing interaction I’ve had in years. Women have enough shit to deal with, let alone spewed negativity from one another. 

Let’s go back to celebrating each other for being courageous in whatever journey we’re on. Clothed or not, our worth is not measured in what we wear but how we see ourselves. 

I love these illustrations by @lainey.molnar. 

#teachboys #loveyourself #womenempowerment #chooseyou #toxicfemininity #shamingwomensbodies
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    Sarah Lian

    2 days ago

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    I was reminiscing looks for this upcoming CNY but it’s cancelled this year. 😔 It’s definitely going to be an adjustment. How will you be celebrating reunion dinner? Virtually? #covidcny ... See MoreSee Less

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    Sarah Lian

    6 days ago

    Sarah Lian

    Decided to push for a HIIT workout before Malaysia got the news that we will be having another lockdown. We’re back to MCO status as of Wednesday and if you haven’t learnt from our first MCO, here’s your chance to learn from it again! 😂 This time I’ve got Dolly to look after.
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    2 weeks ago

    Sarah Lian

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    2 weeks ago

    Sarah Lian

    Dolly issa vibe.
    Meet my latest foster Dolly! If she’s not grunting, she’s snoring. On my third puppy from @myforeverdoggo! If you ever want to know what it’s like to own a dog, foster and test your own patience!
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    Sarah Lian (连丽婷)@imSarahLian·
    16 May 2019

    Starting my birthday month strong! The people have spoken and I will complete a random act of kindness for 30 days alongside:
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    📸: @suppagood.

    #unreserved #unreservedmedia #SarahLian #influencer #personality #Suppagood #suppagoodtalent #suppagoodpr

    Sarah Lian (连丽婷)@imSarahLian·
    9 May 2019

    Starting my birthday month strong! The people have spoken and I will complete a random act of kindness for 30 days alongside:… https://t.co/sT49fbOfQn

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    6 May 2019

    Birthday week is coming up and I want to celebrate my new year with a challenge. How should I dedicate my next 30 days?

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    6 May 2019

    Selamat Ramadan to all my Muslim friends!

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