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ThoughtsSeptember 27, 2020

My heart is smiling

By admin

It’s been about a month since I’ve had my major cathartic experience. In this past month, so much has shifted in my life, so many more feelings and emotions, much more compassion and awareness in being present.

“As the seasons change, so do we.
May we be aware we are shifting–just like the wind.”

Truth be told, when I wrote the last entry, I was in a much better place already. It was a reflection that I would only be able to write it in sound mind, so thank you to the strangers who checked to see if I was ok, or telling me that I deserved to be happy. Thank you to those who told me privately through Instagram how they felt… others read it and then shared it among themselves (and those who rather talk about it behind my back HAHA). I always thought I was happy, but unconsciously there were clearly underpinnings that proved to be the complete opposite.

Looking back at the past few months, there were huge shifts in a lot of aspects of my life that was preparing me for the last quarter of the year and to cement the year of change for me.

Adapting is one of the many things I’ve learnt from moving so much in my early life. My environments have changed so much that it was so easy to change myself to my surroundings and completely immerse myself that I would easily blend in. I guess it’s no-brainer that it meant I could also lose myself in the relationships I was a part of. I get really empathetic and sometimes it just ends up being a blend of emotions and feelings from others that I forget to honour myself and what’s most important to me. Now I’m trying to reclaim all of it back, slowly but surely.

So in the aftermath of healing, here are a few things I’ve been incorporating in different aspects of my life:

BODY
When it comes to nutrition, I’m being more mindful of the types of food that is good for my body. I’m trying to stick to more seafood (less farm animals) and get a nice healthy dose of iodine for my thyroid and less grains because I’m pre-diabetic. Ask me about konjac and its great substitution from carby noodles.
I’m feeling more motivated to exercise regularly and even though I do similar workouts, the most important thing is to keep building the muscle memory and getting noticeably stronger helps me feel more confident.

MIND
I’m being more active on my blog now, writing has always been therapeutic for me, I know I’m more public than the regular person but I do it for myself not for the likes, on those days when you look back at the stories you believed or told yourself, you can always see how far you’ve come. I honestly wish I wrote more but the truth is that there was a whole gap in time where I couldn’t face myself. I wanted to be authentic but I carried a lot of shame with me. The shame reminded me of my failures and now I’ve learnt to embrace my thoughts a lot more, I quickly jot down feelings that come up for me, without judgement.

SPACE
Clothing swaps and giving away things that no longer serve me has allowed me to clear space physically for things that I want in my home. You can give away so many things at the Buy Nothing Project and so many people will take them! Extra pillows, too many cutting boards, useless objects in my home that I’ve been keeping for no reason. When you clear all of this, you make space for new things to come. Decluttering has never felt this good!

SOUL
I’ve been using the moon cycles as an opportunity to set intentions for myself. Last month was letting go – this meant letting go of the anger and pain, letting go of the stories that would keep me there and also letting go to the point of apathy>I didn’t want anything to fuck with my vibe.

This month has been entirely focused on self-love. I wrote a few mantras to remind me of what I wanted to do and how I wanted to feel.

Love is my birthright, I am a manifestation of this love, I am loving and loved by many.

I am at peace with all that has happened, is happening and will happen because i know that everything is towards my highest goal.

I am overflowing with joy, vitality, and energy. I am unstoppable.

So before my nightly routine getting in bed, I think about all the things I love, all the amazing things that I’m grateful for and I feel my heart open a little more. I feel lighter, I’m less angry, I’m less affected. I used to get hurt and offended easily and now I don’t take things personally. I see the changes in my life and I feel them as well. I work just as hard for my happiness and I’m less worried about the “what if’s”. This new shift has allowed me to see more abundance in my life, more purpose and more joy.

Just before I close my eyes, I feel my heart smiling. It’s been awhile since I’ve felt this kind of joy and I don’t have to apologise or thank anyone else but myself. It’s really liberating and I’m truly in love.

Previous Hiding Out
Next Fostering a Furkid

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1 Comment

  • Mish
    November 9, 2020 at 7:08 am
    Love you babe + love your heart and words in this post! We are right here smiling alongside you and rooting for your happiness, which you deserve and so much more!
    Reply

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    Kita pakai baju kurung. ❤️ Kita pakai baju kurung. ❤️
    I was reminiscing looks for this upcoming CNY but I was reminiscing looks for this upcoming CNY but it’s cancelled this year. 😔 It’s definitely going to be an adjustment. How will you be celebrating reunion dinner? Virtually? #covidcny
    Learning this one for 2021. For anyone that rememb Learning this one for 2021. For anyone that remembers old pain, open your heart to new love. ❤️ #love
    Still not wearing pants. 😂😂 Wearing @jujumel Still not wearing pants. 😂😂
Wearing @jujumellointimates instead. 😊

Looks like the first 2 weeks of January has taken a turn for the worst in Malaysia. Our health system at it’s capacity. Greedy politicians trying to fight for power, so much so our King has been granted Emergency Powers until August. To be honest, all of this hasn’t quite hit me yet, I’ve had a slower start to the year but each step taken has been intentional, from the people I spend my time with to the people I want to work with. 

Life is still not a bed of roses but I don’t mind taking time to pluck the thorns out. I’m clearly still exploring parts of me that I’ve missed for awhile. I’ve had friends from my past telling me that the old Sarah is back again and I’m glad too! I’ve been having such lucid dreams and they’ve been giving me a clearer indication of what I need to work on. (Thank God for @therealashagill’s #DecodingDreams workshop) 

I’m trying to be more accepting of things I cannot change and learning from last year’s situation. If you can, help out a small business, everyone is trying to make a side hustle to make ends meet. We can always be kinder, more compassionate and more loving to those who have less than us. Everyone is fighting a battle that we cannot see. Don’t be so quick to judge.

#dudukrumah #kitajagakita
    Decided to push for a HIIT workout before Malaysia Decided to push for a HIIT workout before Malaysia got the news that we will be having another lockdown. We’re back to MCO status as of Wednesday and if you haven’t learnt from our first MCO, here’s your chance to learn from it again! 😂 This time I’ve got Dolly to look after. 
I don’t think I’ll be wearing pants for awhile either. What are you going to be doing differently this time around? #lockdown #thirdwave #coronavirus
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    Sarah on a Sunday IRL. #bliss Sarah on a Sunday IRL. #bliss
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    It’s 2021. We should be able to live in a world It’s 2021. We should be able to live in a world where empowered women are not measured by how much or how little clothes they wear. Stop hiding behind the narrative of “protecting women”, instead teach men to be respectful. 

I share a conversation with a woman who wanted to impose her archaic viewpoint on me about how she avoids men degrading her. 

Not only was she dangerously victim blaming “bc I’m asking for it”, she was also age-shaming (apparently bikinis have an age limit 🤷🏻‍♀️) and telling me that my swimwear was not appropriate for the waterfall 🤔. But the worst part was her condescending tone towards me because I was unmarried and childless. I think I’ve done a lot of work on myself to be able to withstand this dialogue but if this conversation happened last year, I would have felt defeated and maybe even gone into a dark place (at the helm of society’s judgment).

The truth is, so many women have different reasons or situations for their path in life. Sometimes it’s by choice and sometimes it’s by fate, but it’s extremely dangerous to weaponise your status to look down on another woman. Undoubtedly she was provoked, hence her ad hominem attack, but it doesn’t make it ok. In fact, that conversation showed me how much she derived her worth from men and I felt sorry for her.

I’ve spent the past 2 years building a community to uplift women and this conversation was the most disappointing interaction I’ve had in years. Women have enough shit to deal with, let alone spewed negativity from one another. 

Let’s go back to celebrating each other for being courageous in whatever journey we’re on. Clothed or not, our worth is not measured in what we wear but how we see ourselves. 

I love these illustrations by @lainey.molnar. 

#teachboys #loveyourself #womenempowerment #chooseyou #toxicfemininity #shamingwomensbodies
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    Decided to push for a HIIT workout before Malaysia got the news that we will be having another lockdown. We’re back to MCO status as of Wednesday and if you haven’t learnt from our first MCO, here’s your chance to learn from it again! 😂 This time I’ve got Dolly to look after.
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    Birthday week is coming up and I want to celebrate my new year with a challenge. How should I dedicate my next 30 days?

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