No one can save you, only you can save yourself.
I hit a mental block this week. But it was a block that had been brewing for the longest time. I feel like it was the perfect time to address while it happens to be the most inconvenient time of my life.
In isolation, you only have yourself.
Malaysia is on its third or is it fourth lockdown and as most citizens, we feel powerless. I’m trying my hardest not to complain. I have a roof over my head my expenses are manageable and I’m vaccinated. (THANK GOD!)
But I do feel slightly helpless. I can’t afford to keep donating to charities, nor can I keep purchasing food or paying for services to keep others afloat. I’ve got to keep myself afloat too. My income has been totally decimated from the pandemic but other areas of my company has been flourishing. Some parts of my life I feel satisfied, other parts guilt.
I had a profound meditation earlier this week, most of my week has been irritated by not being in the right frame of mind and I just needed to ground myself to get clarity. My procrastination was at an all time high and I could feel a wave of work deadlines coming despite mindlessly wading in the shallow zone.
All my life I’ve been wanting someone to save me.
As I started to dig deeper, it wasn’t just in relationships, but also in work. I’d meet and connect with people on many levels and when they entered my world, it was almost like I needed them to fulfil or add value into my life to help me achieve more, but the real truth was that I wanted them to give me what I was scared to do on my own.
When I was younger my biggest fear would be to end up alone, I’d get lost in supermarkets and cry, then someone would find me and call out my mom on the PA to tell her that I waiting at the customer service counter. She’d turn away and I’d just think that she left me. To counter that, I’ve always had a larger than life personality, attracting people on a level like extroverted-ness on cocaine so it would be hard to forget me. This became an easy formula to repeat for each city I moved to except every time I left, I never felt more alone. Even accumulating my party nights never amounted to much because I needed others to give me my sense of worth, it was hard to stand in my own for myself.
Fast forward to today- it’s the pandemic and I’m cocooning myself behind the four walls of my apartment… and here we are, going back to the same story of worthiness.
Last month I launched a 10-day Self-Love Journaling Experience that was integral to my growth over the past year. It was cathartic to write and even more empowering to have people who take part in it and share their stories. If my self-love cup is filled to the brim, overflowing and wanting to give, what’s the issue? What’s holding me back?
Don’t confuse discomfort with pain.
Well…I feel like I’m treading on rough waters and I feel small. Everything feels daunting. I’m going with the motion but i’m evading failure. It’s uncomfortable, it’s new and I don’t feel confident at all. The little thoughts of judgement is peering through because I don’t know, don’t want to stupid, or feel like even more helpless than I already am. It’s even more difficult to get past these blocks when I’m navigating it alone. It’s like I’m just waiting for a savior to sweep me off my feet and be like, here’s everything you need on a silver platter.
Do it from love, not for love.
But what I do know is that in order for me to step into my authentic power, I need to access my gifts. My intuition says I need to wear my big girl pants and do it on my own. It’s the only way I’ll ever learn. Grrr… I’ll get in there I promise. I save other people because it’s easier to throw them in the deep end, and let them know I’m right behind them. But it’s also my way of procrastinating my own projects. Uhhh I know that I need to get past this and I know I’ll be one step closer to where I need to be. Just give me another month! It’s not like Malaysia is going to resume business any time soon.
So I’m listening to the Clubhouse pitches, online videos teaching participants about basic business stuff and sitting with the uncomfortable. I’m doing it guys, and I’m doing it because no one can save me, only I can save myself. Thanks for listening to me rant. I’m trying to get better at this.
What holds you back from being you?